1
00:00:01,235 --> 00:00:02,803
I'm sure she's
a lovely girl, Mom,

2
00:00:02,870 --> 00:00:05,939
but I have a strict policy
against blind dates.

3
00:00:06,006 --> 00:00:10,211
Yes, I know I'm not God's gift
to women, but, nevertheless...

4
00:00:10,278 --> 00:00:11,545
Oh, come on. How do you know

5
00:00:11,612 --> 00:00:14,048
what she can suck
through a garden hose?

6
00:00:15,983 --> 00:00:18,852
Doesn't matter.
The policy stands.

7
00:00:18,919 --> 00:00:20,288
Okay, bye.

8
00:00:21,255 --> 00:00:22,156
You know,
while I applaud

9
00:00:22,223 --> 00:00:23,657
your blind
date policy,

10
00:00:23,724 --> 00:00:25,059
I would encourage you

11
00:00:25,126 --> 00:00:27,195
to consider
a garden hose exemption.

12
00:00:27,261 --> 00:00:29,263
I'm sorry,
but you remember

13
00:00:29,330 --> 00:00:31,632
the last time
I let Mom fix me up.

14
00:00:31,699 --> 00:00:33,301
Oh, yeah.
The enema freak.

15
00:00:33,367 --> 00:00:37,205
She was a colonic
irrigation therapist.

16
00:00:37,271 --> 00:00:39,573
Tomato, tomahto...

17
00:00:39,640 --> 00:00:41,041
You still wound up

18
00:00:41,109 --> 00:00:43,644
with five gallons of coffee
up your keister.

19
00:00:43,711 --> 00:00:46,347
Not a pleasant memory.

20
00:00:46,414 --> 00:00:49,083
I can't remember it
without chuckling.

21
00:00:49,150 --> 00:00:53,521
These days, they'll open
a Starbucks anywhere.

22
00:00:53,587 --> 00:00:54,655
Are you done?

23
00:00:54,722 --> 00:00:56,857
No. Wait. One more.

24
00:00:56,924 --> 00:01:00,528
You had the venti nonfat
"crappuccino"...

25
00:01:02,730 --> 00:01:03,597
...with extra foam.

26
00:01:03,664 --> 00:01:04,698
Mmm.

27
00:01:06,700 --> 00:01:07,435
Okay, I'm done.

28
00:01:07,501 --> 00:01:09,002
So what's wrong
with the TV?

29
00:01:09,069 --> 00:01:11,004
I don't know.
I think that
storm last night

30
00:01:11,071 --> 00:01:12,206
messed up the
satellite dish.

31
00:01:12,273 --> 00:01:13,541
I'll call the guy
on Monday.

32
00:01:13,607 --> 00:01:15,676
That's your answer
for everything.

33
00:01:15,743 --> 00:01:16,710
"Call the guy."

34
00:01:16,777 --> 00:01:17,878
Not for everything.

35
00:01:17,945 --> 00:01:19,747
Often, I'll call the girl.

36
00:01:21,081 --> 00:01:22,616
Course, there was the one time

37
00:01:22,683 --> 00:01:25,085
that the girl turned out
to be the guy.

38
00:01:25,153 --> 00:01:28,322
Needless to say,
I got a full
cash refund.

39
00:01:28,389 --> 00:01:31,192
Well, you don't have
to call the guy this time.

40
00:01:31,259 --> 00:01:33,327
You just have to adjust the dish
till the signal clears up.

41
00:01:33,394 --> 00:01:35,429
Which is what the
guy will do on Monday.

42
00:01:35,496 --> 00:01:36,697
But Jake
is coming tonight.

43
00:01:36,764 --> 00:01:37,598
Do you really
want to listen

44
00:01:37,665 --> 00:01:39,367
to him complain about
the TV all weekend?

45
00:01:39,433 --> 00:01:40,901
I can deal with Jake.

46
00:01:40,968 --> 00:01:43,837
It's your whining that
makes me want to hang myself.

47
00:01:43,904 --> 00:01:45,839
Come on.
Help me get the ladder.

48
00:01:45,906 --> 00:01:46,907
I'll go up on the roof,

49
00:01:46,974 --> 00:01:48,976
and we'll fix it
in five minutes.

50
00:01:49,042 --> 00:01:51,712
I have a ladder?

51
00:01:53,814 --> 00:01:55,816
How did I get a ladder?

52
00:01:56,850 --> 00:01:58,085
For the life of me,

53
00:01:58,152 --> 00:02:00,087
I can't remember
buying a ladder.

54
00:02:00,154 --> 00:02:02,022
Well, apparently,
you did.

55
00:02:02,089 --> 00:02:04,892
But why?
And how did I get it home?

56
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,627
I really
couldn't tell you.

57
00:02:06,694 --> 00:02:08,462
Did I rent a truck?

58
00:02:08,529 --> 00:02:09,863
Who knows?

59
00:02:09,930 --> 00:02:13,634
I'm telling you, we got
a real mystery on our hands.

60
00:02:13,701 --> 00:02:15,469
Yeah. It's a puzzler.

61
00:02:15,536 --> 00:02:17,938
I'm going to go up
and adjust the dish,

62
00:02:18,005 --> 00:02:19,440
and you go look at the TV

63
00:02:19,507 --> 00:02:21,875
and tell me when
the picture improves.

64
00:02:21,942 --> 00:02:23,177
All right.

65
00:02:23,244 --> 00:02:25,213
I still think
we should call the guy.

66
00:02:25,279 --> 00:02:27,080
Forget the guy!

67
00:02:27,147 --> 00:02:28,782
I'm the guy!

68
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:34,988
Charlie!

69
00:02:35,055 --> 00:02:36,424
Yeah?!

70
00:02:36,490 --> 00:02:38,559
There's a pair
of panties up here.

71
00:02:40,194 --> 00:02:42,763
Of course. The ladder.

72
00:02:43,831 --> 00:02:46,367
Alan, mystery solved!

73
00:02:46,434 --> 00:02:47,100
What?

74
00:02:47,167 --> 00:02:48,436
Never mind.

75
00:02:48,502 --> 00:02:51,071
Focus on the job at hand.

76
00:02:51,138 --> 00:02:52,039
Are you
watching the TV?

77
00:02:52,105 --> 00:02:53,040
Yes.

78
00:02:53,106 --> 00:02:54,275
How's it look now?

79
00:02:54,342 --> 00:02:56,210
It's a little better.

80
00:02:56,277 --> 00:02:57,345
How about now?

81
00:02:57,411 --> 00:02:59,079
No. That's worse.

82
00:02:59,146 --> 00:03:00,581
Move it the other way.

83
00:03:00,648 --> 00:03:02,316
What?

84
00:03:02,383 --> 00:03:03,851
There, there, there!

85
00:03:03,917 --> 00:03:04,852
That's perfect!

86
00:03:04,918 --> 00:03:06,153
What?!

87
00:03:06,220 --> 00:03:08,289
I said,
that's perfect!

88
00:03:08,356 --> 00:03:10,658
Great! I'm coming down!

89
00:03:11,425 --> 00:03:14,962
( screaming )

90
00:03:15,028 --> 00:03:17,498
Did you say something?

91
00:03:17,565 --> 00:03:21,302
* Men, men, men, men,
manly men, men, men *

92
00:03:21,369 --> 00:03:23,437
* Men... *

93
00:03:40,120 --> 00:03:41,389
I told you.

94
00:03:41,455 --> 00:03:43,524
We should have called the guy.

95
00:03:47,261 --> 00:03:49,196
Aw. You want
to flip me the bird,

96
00:03:49,263 --> 00:03:51,832
but the poor
little fella can't fly.

97
00:03:53,301 --> 00:03:55,002
Just help me lie down.

98
00:03:55,068 --> 00:03:56,804
There is a bright
side here, you know.

99
00:03:56,870 --> 00:03:59,773
Oh, really? Really? And what
might the bright side be?

100
00:03:59,840 --> 00:04:01,475
Handicapped parking?

101
00:04:06,347 --> 00:04:08,582
Pity sex?

102
00:04:10,551 --> 00:04:11,619
Oh, I can see
there's going

103
00:04:11,685 --> 00:04:13,387
to be no talking
to you about this.

104
00:04:13,454 --> 00:04:14,555
Oh, oh. Do me a favor,

105
00:04:14,622 --> 00:04:16,390
and call Judith
and tell her

106
00:04:16,457 --> 00:04:17,358
not to bring
Jake over.

107
00:04:17,425 --> 00:04:18,359
How come?

108
00:04:18,426 --> 00:04:20,027
Look at me, Charlie.

109
00:04:20,093 --> 00:04:23,897
I have abrasions, contusions,
a severely sprained neck,

110
00:04:23,964 --> 00:04:26,867
two fractured fingers,
and I'm hopped up on pain pills.

111
00:04:26,934 --> 00:04:29,503
Does that spell "Weekend Dad"
to you?

112
00:04:29,570 --> 00:04:31,138
Well, actually, to me,

113
00:04:31,204 --> 00:04:34,342
it spells "Weekend in Bangkok
with two Olympic gymnasts."

114
00:04:36,276 --> 00:04:38,579
But that's a whole
other story.

115
00:04:38,646 --> 00:04:40,681
Look, I got no plans
for the weekend.

116
00:04:40,748 --> 00:04:42,716
I could take
care of Jake.

117
00:04:42,783 --> 00:04:44,452
Bangkok?

118
00:04:44,518 --> 00:04:46,787
It was the '80s.

119
00:04:46,854 --> 00:04:48,622
A simpler time.

120
00:04:49,657 --> 00:04:51,124
The dollar was strong.

121
00:04:51,191 --> 00:04:52,593
Come on.

122
00:04:52,660 --> 00:04:54,094
I was kind of looking forward
to hanging out

123
00:04:54,161 --> 00:04:55,729
with the little knucklehead.
Let him come over.

124
00:04:55,796 --> 00:04:57,765
But I'm not going
to be able to help you.

125
00:04:57,831 --> 00:04:59,333
What are you going
to do all weekend?

126
00:04:59,400 --> 00:05:01,735
I don't know.
Hey, maybe I'll get a chute.

127
00:05:02,770 --> 00:05:05,573
We could
play chutes and ladders.

128
00:05:07,908 --> 00:05:11,111
See, that's why
I want Jake here.

129
00:05:11,178 --> 00:05:13,781
He has a sense of humor.

130
00:05:13,847 --> 00:05:14,715
Well, all right.

131
00:05:14,782 --> 00:05:17,385
If... if you think
you can handle it.

132
00:05:17,451 --> 00:05:19,119
Don't worry.
I got everything covered.

133
00:05:19,186 --> 00:05:20,454
Thank you.
You're welcome.

134
00:05:20,521 --> 00:05:22,923
Is there anything
I can do for you now?

135
00:05:22,990 --> 00:05:26,394
Well, I got to pee.

136
00:05:28,962 --> 00:05:29,930
Yeah. So?

137
00:05:29,997 --> 00:05:35,769
So I can't undo my pants or...
anything.

138
00:05:35,836 --> 00:05:38,939
Where are we headed
with this, Alan?

139
00:05:39,006 --> 00:05:40,541
You said you'd help me.

140
00:05:40,608 --> 00:05:42,342
I was thinking more like
I could make you a sandwich.

141
00:05:42,410 --> 00:05:44,344
Charlie...
Hey, hey, hey.

142
00:05:44,412 --> 00:05:47,014
I am not reaching
into your pants.

143
00:05:47,080 --> 00:05:48,416
What am I supposed to do?

144
00:05:48,482 --> 00:05:51,719
Go stand in the surf.

145
00:05:51,785 --> 00:05:53,854
Oh, come on.

146
00:05:53,921 --> 00:05:55,288
Grow up.

147
00:05:55,355 --> 00:05:56,590
Where are
you going?

148
00:05:56,657 --> 00:05:59,126
To the bathroom.
Now, come on and unzip me.

149
00:05:59,192 --> 00:06:01,061
Just like that? Right to it?

150
00:06:01,128 --> 00:06:03,897
No dinner? No movie?

151
00:06:03,964 --> 00:06:04,932
Charlie!

152
00:06:04,998 --> 00:06:06,767
Hold on!

153
00:06:12,806 --> 00:06:14,742
Coming!

154
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,978
* Men

155
00:06:20,414 --> 00:06:23,984
Ah... ah... ah-choo!

156
00:06:30,023 --> 00:06:33,226
Holy God!

157
00:06:33,293 --> 00:06:35,162
( doorbell rings )

158
00:06:35,228 --> 00:06:37,465
Charlie?

159
00:06:37,531 --> 00:06:39,533
Can you get the door?

160
00:06:41,469 --> 00:06:43,236
Charlie?

161
00:06:43,303 --> 00:06:44,938
( doorbell rings )

162
00:06:45,005 --> 00:06:47,240
Hang on!

163
00:06:47,307 --> 00:06:49,409
Charlie!

164
00:06:52,312 --> 00:06:53,547
Oh, great.

165
00:06:53,614 --> 00:06:57,451
I think I just punctured a lung.

166
00:06:57,518 --> 00:07:00,721
( doorbell rings )

167
00:07:00,788 --> 00:07:01,889
( imitating Charlie ):
"Don't worry, Alan.

168
00:07:01,955 --> 00:07:04,625
I've got everything covered."

169
00:07:09,530 --> 00:07:11,198
( doorbell rings )

170
00:07:11,264 --> 00:07:12,466
I'm coming!

171
00:07:13,767 --> 00:07:15,035
Ow!

172
00:07:32,052 --> 00:07:34,622
You need to start
your report this weekend!

173
00:07:34,688 --> 00:07:36,657
Why? It's not due
till next Wednesday!

174
00:07:36,724 --> 00:07:37,825
I have plenty of time.

175
00:07:37,891 --> 00:07:39,326
That's what you said last time.

176
00:07:39,392 --> 00:07:39,893
No, I didn't.

177
00:07:39,960 --> 00:07:40,794
Yes, you did.

178
00:07:40,861 --> 00:07:43,631
I think you're getting senile.

179
00:07:43,697 --> 00:07:45,699
Watch your mouth, young man.

180
00:07:45,766 --> 00:07:47,501
I can't watch it.

181
00:07:47,568 --> 00:07:48,902
It's under my nose.

182
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:52,706
Uh... hello.

183
00:07:52,773 --> 00:07:53,607
What happened to you?

184
00:07:53,674 --> 00:07:55,643
Well, most recently,

185
00:07:55,709 --> 00:07:58,679
I was hit in the head by a door.

186
00:07:58,746 --> 00:08:00,714
But, before that,
I was fixing

187
00:08:00,781 --> 00:08:02,650
the satellite dish
on the roof

188
00:08:02,716 --> 00:08:03,951
and I kind of fell.

189
00:08:04,017 --> 00:08:07,254
Why didn't you
just call the guy?

190
00:08:09,890 --> 00:08:11,258
Well, for God's sake, Alan,

191
00:08:11,324 --> 00:08:13,761
how do you intend
to look after him this weekend?

192
00:08:13,827 --> 00:08:15,796
I am in
excruciating pain,

193
00:08:15,863 --> 00:08:18,431
but I appreciate
your concern.

194
00:08:18,498 --> 00:08:20,768
Oh. Well, you could
have picked up a phone

195
00:08:20,834 --> 00:08:22,536
and given me a heads-up.

196
00:08:22,603 --> 00:08:23,804
Pick up the phone?

197
00:08:23,871 --> 00:08:28,241
Judith, I needed
barbecue tongs
to take a leak.

198
00:08:28,308 --> 00:08:29,977
Can you look
after Jake or not?

199
00:08:30,043 --> 00:08:31,144
Well, Charlie said
he'd look after him.

200
00:08:31,211 --> 00:08:32,680
Oh, like hell he will.

201
00:08:32,746 --> 00:08:34,615
There is no way I'm going
to let your degenerate brother

202
00:08:34,682 --> 00:08:35,716
be responsible for my son.

203
00:08:35,783 --> 00:08:36,817
JAKE:
Oh, sure.

204
00:08:36,884 --> 00:08:38,151
Don't ask me what I want.

205
00:08:38,218 --> 00:08:42,623
Just boss me around like
you're my boss or something.

206
00:08:44,658 --> 00:08:47,127
Charlie will be fine.
Have a good weekend.

207
00:08:47,194 --> 00:08:50,130
Thanks.

208
00:08:50,197 --> 00:08:52,666
You, too.

209
00:08:54,301 --> 00:08:55,969
Can we go out to dinner tonight?

210
00:08:56,036 --> 00:08:59,506
Do I look like I'm in any kind
of shape to go to dinner?

211
00:08:59,573 --> 00:09:02,309
I don't know. I'm not a doctor.

212
00:09:02,375 --> 00:09:04,044
The answer is no.

213
00:09:04,111 --> 00:09:04,912
Okay.

214
00:09:04,978 --> 00:09:06,947
Then can we go
to the video store

215
00:09:07,014 --> 00:09:09,216
and rent the new
"Final Fantasy"?

216
00:09:09,282 --> 00:09:11,218
Jake, I hurt myself.

217
00:09:11,284 --> 00:09:12,686
I'm in a lot of pain.

218
00:09:12,753 --> 00:09:15,188
So? When I took a soccer ball
to the nads,

219
00:09:15,255 --> 00:09:16,590
I was in a lot of pain

220
00:09:16,657 --> 00:09:18,826
and all my coach said was,
"Walk it off."

221
00:09:18,892 --> 00:09:22,095
Well, you can't
just walk this off.

222
00:09:22,162 --> 00:09:24,031
Not with that attitude.

223
00:09:25,432 --> 00:09:26,433
Hey, there he is.

224
00:09:26,499 --> 00:09:28,268
How's it going, buddy?

225
00:09:28,335 --> 00:09:29,402
My life stinks.

226
00:09:29,469 --> 00:09:31,571
Cheer up.
You're still a kid.

227
00:09:31,639 --> 00:09:34,174
It's going
to get much worse.

228
00:09:34,241 --> 00:09:35,275
Where have you been?

229
00:09:35,342 --> 00:09:36,343
Taking a nap.

230
00:09:36,409 --> 00:09:37,477
Why?

231
00:09:37,544 --> 00:09:39,913
I find it refreshes me.

232
00:09:39,980 --> 00:09:42,449
You said you were going
to take care of everything.

233
00:09:42,515 --> 00:09:43,817
Yeah. So?

234
00:09:43,884 --> 00:09:46,954
So, while you were sleeping,
I had to answer the door.

235
00:09:47,020 --> 00:09:49,890
Do you realize how petty
you sound right now?

236
00:09:49,957 --> 00:09:52,425
Relax. Lie down.
I got it covered.

237
00:09:52,492 --> 00:09:53,560
No, you don't.

238
00:09:53,627 --> 00:09:55,495
Nothing is covered.

239
00:09:55,562 --> 00:09:57,464
It's all coverless.

240
00:09:57,530 --> 00:10:00,668
Now, there's a life
that stinks.

241
00:10:00,734 --> 00:10:02,602
So, what's on the agenda?
What do you want to do?

242
00:10:02,670 --> 00:10:03,804
I want to go out to dinner.

243
00:10:03,871 --> 00:10:06,339
Yeah? Well,
I want my own talk show.

244
00:10:06,406 --> 00:10:08,275
You'll eat what we've got.

245
00:10:08,341 --> 00:10:09,476
Why can't we go out?

246
00:10:09,542 --> 00:10:10,443
Alan, I can't deal with this.

247
00:10:10,510 --> 00:10:11,979
Talk to your son.

248
00:10:12,045 --> 00:10:15,082
That's it?
You... you're done covering?

249
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,584
Well, I didn't know
he was going be impossible.

250
00:10:17,651 --> 00:10:19,486
Hey, don't talk about me
like I'm not here.

251
00:10:19,552 --> 00:10:21,655
Keep yappin', and you won't be.

252
00:10:22,956 --> 00:10:24,324
Charlie, just take him
to dinner.

253
00:10:24,391 --> 00:10:25,492
Why should I?

254
00:10:25,558 --> 00:10:26,493
'Cause he's not going to shut up

255
00:10:26,559 --> 00:10:27,695
till he gets what he wants.

256
00:10:27,761 --> 00:10:29,830
That's true.
I'll drive you crazy.

257
00:10:29,897 --> 00:10:32,065
Yeah? Well, do your worst.

258
00:10:32,132 --> 00:10:35,769
If we go out to dinner,
there's nothing to clean up.

259
00:10:35,836 --> 00:10:37,570
We're not going
out to dinner.

260
00:10:37,637 --> 00:10:39,506
You usually want
to go out to dinner.

261
00:10:39,572 --> 00:10:40,540
Not tonight.

262
00:10:40,607 --> 00:10:41,942
You're not
punishing me.

263
00:10:42,009 --> 00:10:43,777
You're just
punishing yourself.

264
00:10:43,844 --> 00:10:46,113
Back off,
bobblehead.

265
00:10:48,181 --> 00:10:50,517
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.

266
00:10:50,583 --> 00:10:51,651
We're not going.

267
00:10:51,719 --> 00:10:53,020
Why not?

268
00:10:53,086 --> 00:10:54,554
This
conversation's over.

269
00:10:54,621 --> 00:10:56,256
Not if I keep talking.

270
00:10:58,959 --> 00:11:00,660
So where do you
want to eat?

271
00:11:00,728 --> 00:11:02,662
Clucky's.

272
00:11:02,730 --> 00:11:04,597
What's Clucky's?

273
00:11:04,664 --> 00:11:05,899
Zesty fire-roasted chicken

274
00:11:05,966 --> 00:11:09,737
with Grandma Clucky's
secret herbs and spices.

275
00:11:09,803 --> 00:11:12,005
All right. Where is it?

276
00:11:12,072 --> 00:11:14,742
There are several
convenient locations.

277
00:11:14,808 --> 00:11:16,076
Like where?

278
00:11:16,143 --> 00:11:17,945
I don't know.
I just sit in the car.

279
00:11:18,011 --> 00:11:20,380
Well, I've never seen
a Clucky's around here.

280
00:11:20,447 --> 00:11:21,849
How about a pizza?
No.

281
00:11:21,915 --> 00:11:22,750
Burgers?
No.

282
00:11:22,816 --> 00:11:23,817
Sushi?
Ech.

283
00:11:23,884 --> 00:11:25,085
Italian?
No.

284
00:11:25,152 --> 00:11:25,753
Chinese.
No.

285
00:11:25,819 --> 00:11:26,920
Clucky's?
No.

286
00:11:26,987 --> 00:11:28,688
You're not even
listening!

287
00:11:28,756 --> 00:11:30,357
I mean, yes.

288
00:11:30,423 --> 00:11:31,091
Clucky's.

289
00:11:31,158 --> 00:11:32,192
Well, forget it.

290
00:11:32,259 --> 00:11:33,761
I'm not driving
all over this city

291
00:11:33,827 --> 00:11:35,195
hoping to stumble
across a Clucky's.

292
00:11:36,363 --> 00:11:39,066
This isn't the Clucky's
my mom takes me to.

293
00:11:39,132 --> 00:11:40,633
No kidding.

294
00:11:40,700 --> 00:11:42,169
Where are we anyway?

295
00:11:42,235 --> 00:11:44,071
It's called Watts.

296
00:11:56,083 --> 00:11:58,886
Now hurry up and
finish your chicken.

297
00:11:58,952 --> 00:12:00,821
I like the Cajun Clucky's
better.

298
00:12:00,888 --> 00:12:02,055
Good for you.

299
00:12:02,122 --> 00:12:03,924
Can I go back and get
some Cajun Clucky's?

300
00:12:03,991 --> 00:12:05,658
No, eat what you got.

301
00:12:05,725 --> 00:12:07,694
But I like
the Cajun Clucky's better.

302
00:12:07,761 --> 00:12:09,196
Then why did you order
the regular Clucky's?

303
00:12:09,262 --> 00:12:11,664
Because I forgot
I like the Cajun Clucky's.

304
00:12:11,731 --> 00:12:14,601
Oh, just eat
the freakin' chicken.

305
00:12:14,667 --> 00:12:17,404
Fine.

306
00:12:17,470 --> 00:12:19,006
Why do you say "freakin'"?

307
00:12:19,072 --> 00:12:21,408
I know what you mean.
I'm not a little kid anymore.

308
00:12:21,474 --> 00:12:24,411
Eat. Don't talk, eat!

309
00:12:36,323 --> 00:12:37,858
'Sup?

310
00:12:46,399 --> 00:12:48,135
Gotta pee.

311
00:12:51,972 --> 00:12:54,908
Charlie, get the tongs.

312
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:57,811
Charlie?!

313
00:12:57,878 --> 00:13:01,048
( groans ):
Oh, boy.

314
00:13:01,114 --> 00:13:03,383
( imitates
"William Tell Overture" ):
* Gotta pee, gotta pee

315
00:13:03,450 --> 00:13:04,852
* Gotta pee, pee, pee

316
00:13:04,918 --> 00:13:06,319
* Gotta pee, gotta pee,
gotta pee, pee, pee *

317
00:13:06,386 --> 00:13:09,356
* Gotta pee, gotta pee,
gotta pee, pee, pee... *

318
00:13:09,422 --> 00:13:10,290
EVELYN:
Alan?

319
00:13:10,357 --> 00:13:13,160
I've got somebody
who wants to meet you.

320
00:13:20,700 --> 00:13:23,003
Not a good time, Mom.

321
00:13:23,070 --> 00:13:25,372
Yes, I can see that.

322
00:13:25,438 --> 00:13:27,240
Are you all right?

323
00:13:27,307 --> 00:13:30,610
No, not really.

324
00:13:30,677 --> 00:13:33,580
Oh, my poor baby.

325
00:13:35,048 --> 00:13:37,750
Well, anyway, Mona, Alan.

326
00:13:37,817 --> 00:13:39,652
Alan, Mona.

327
00:13:39,719 --> 00:13:43,523
Hi, Mona.

328
00:13:43,590 --> 00:13:44,624
Hello.

329
00:13:44,691 --> 00:13:46,159
What happened to you?

330
00:13:46,226 --> 00:13:49,729
I was fixing the satellite dish
and I fell off the roof.

331
00:13:49,796 --> 00:13:52,065
Oh. Why didn't you
just call the guy?

332
00:13:53,833 --> 00:13:56,136
Want to know why
I didn't call the guy?

333
00:13:56,203 --> 00:13:58,805
I'll tell you why
I didn't call the guy.

334
00:13:58,872 --> 00:14:00,473
Because you don't need
to call the guy!

335
00:14:00,540 --> 00:14:03,443
It's a simple adjustment
that any idiot can do!

336
00:14:03,510 --> 00:14:04,177
And, yes, I know,

337
00:14:04,244 --> 00:14:06,013
this idiot
fell off the roof

338
00:14:06,079 --> 00:14:09,482
but it was after I
fixed it all by myself,

339
00:14:09,549 --> 00:14:12,052
no guy!

340
00:14:12,119 --> 00:14:15,222
Okay, the ice
has been broken.

341
00:14:15,288 --> 00:14:16,389
I'll just give you
Mona's number

342
00:14:16,456 --> 00:14:17,857
and you can
call her sometime

343
00:14:17,925 --> 00:14:19,059
when it's more convenient.

344
00:14:19,126 --> 00:14:20,627
Come along, dear.

345
00:14:21,761 --> 00:14:23,563
Do you just stay awake nights,

346
00:14:23,630 --> 00:14:26,633
trying to think of new ways
to embarrass me?

347
00:14:29,769 --> 00:14:31,871
Still gotta pee.

348
00:14:31,939 --> 00:14:33,573
Oh, God!

349
00:14:35,642 --> 00:14:38,745
Oh, what the hell.

350
00:14:38,811 --> 00:14:40,948
( sighs ):
Ahh...

351
00:14:43,850 --> 00:14:44,952
Oh, yeah.

352
00:14:45,018 --> 00:14:48,655
The Cajun Clucky's
is way better.

353
00:14:48,721 --> 00:14:52,225
I'll notify Zagat's.

354
00:14:52,292 --> 00:14:53,893
Hey, before stop
at the video store,

355
00:14:53,961 --> 00:14:55,028
can we get some ice cream?

356
00:14:55,095 --> 00:14:57,097
Who said we're stopping
at the video store?

357
00:14:57,164 --> 00:14:58,631
I wanna rent the new
"Final Fantasy."

358
00:14:58,698 --> 00:15:01,101
Yeah, well, I want
my $80,000 Mercedes

359
00:15:01,168 --> 00:15:03,270
not to smell like chicken.

360
00:15:03,336 --> 00:15:05,939
But life is full of
little disappointments.

361
00:15:06,006 --> 00:15:07,174
Okay, forget the ice cream.

362
00:15:07,240 --> 00:15:09,142
We'll just stop
at the video store.

363
00:15:09,209 --> 00:15:11,344
Jake, I'm tired,
I've got a headache,

364
00:15:11,411 --> 00:15:12,679
I just paid a hundred dollars

365
00:15:12,745 --> 00:15:17,117
to get my car back from
the "chicken valet,"

366
00:15:17,184 --> 00:15:18,885
and I want to go home.

367
00:15:18,952 --> 00:15:20,520
Please.

368
00:15:20,587 --> 00:15:23,490
I'm sorry, what part of "no"
did you not understand?

369
00:15:23,556 --> 00:15:25,925
The "nnn" or the "oh"?

370
00:15:27,260 --> 00:15:29,496
How about if we just stop
in front of the store,

371
00:15:29,562 --> 00:15:31,164
I'll run in and get
the video game

372
00:15:31,231 --> 00:15:32,432
and you just wait in the car?

373
00:15:32,499 --> 00:15:34,701
How about we stop
by the video store

374
00:15:34,767 --> 00:15:37,737
and I just stuff you
through the return slot?

375
00:15:37,804 --> 00:15:39,406
I wouldn't fit.

376
00:15:39,472 --> 00:15:41,108
Try me.

377
00:15:41,174 --> 00:15:43,510
Oh, come on,
it'll only take a minute.

378
00:15:43,576 --> 00:15:45,678
Look, Jake, you might be able
to bully your parents

379
00:15:45,745 --> 00:15:47,214
into doing whatever you want,

380
00:15:47,280 --> 00:15:48,881
but when I say "no," that's it.

381
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,118
Okay. Then I guess
I won't have a video game

382
00:15:51,184 --> 00:15:52,385
to play this weekend.

383
00:15:52,452 --> 00:15:54,721
Exactly. You'll find
something else to do.

384
00:15:54,787 --> 00:15:57,390
Right. It'll just be
you and me.

385
00:16:02,295 --> 00:16:04,131
They're all out
of "Final Fantasy."

386
00:16:04,197 --> 00:16:05,232
So get something else.

387
00:16:05,298 --> 00:16:07,434
But I want "Final Fantasy."

388
00:16:07,500 --> 00:16:09,569
Are you telling me that
out of this entire store,

389
00:16:09,636 --> 00:16:11,238
thousands of movies
and video games,

390
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,340
there's nothing here
that interests you?

391
00:16:13,406 --> 00:16:16,409
You're not gonna
like the answer.

392
00:16:18,311 --> 00:16:20,980
I'm having chest pains.

393
00:16:21,048 --> 00:16:23,783
You're giving me chest pains.

394
00:16:23,850 --> 00:16:27,687
I bet they have "Final Fantasy"
at another store.

395
00:16:27,754 --> 00:16:28,655
You want a final fantasy?

396
00:16:28,721 --> 00:16:29,989
Close your eyes

397
00:16:30,057 --> 00:16:32,992
and imagine yourself flying
across a freakin' video store,

398
00:16:33,060 --> 00:16:34,694
'cause that's what's
about to happen.

399
00:16:34,761 --> 00:16:37,297
Again with the "freakin'."

400
00:16:38,465 --> 00:16:40,967
Excuse me, but
did I hear you say

401
00:16:41,034 --> 00:16:42,069
you were looking
for "Final Fantasy"?

402
00:16:42,135 --> 00:16:43,770
I was about
to return one.

403
00:16:43,836 --> 00:16:44,837
You can have it.

404
00:16:44,904 --> 00:16:46,406
Thanks.
You're welcome.

405
00:16:46,473 --> 00:16:48,775
He's really something,
isn't he?

406
00:16:48,841 --> 00:16:51,578
Oh, yeah, he's something.

407
00:16:51,644 --> 00:16:54,281
Question is "What?"

408
00:16:54,347 --> 00:16:56,416
I have a boy his age.

409
00:16:56,483 --> 00:16:57,484
Single mom.

410
00:16:57,550 --> 00:16:58,485
Single uncle.

411
00:16:58,551 --> 00:16:59,786
Betsy.

412
00:16:59,852 --> 00:17:00,853
Charlie.
Jake.

413
00:17:00,920 --> 00:17:03,623
Nobody asked you.

414
00:17:03,690 --> 00:17:04,791
So, uh, Betsy,

415
00:17:04,857 --> 00:17:05,992
maybe we can get
the boys together

416
00:17:06,059 --> 00:17:07,427
for a little
play date sometime.

417
00:17:07,494 --> 00:17:10,230
I don't want a play date
with some stupid kid

418
00:17:10,297 --> 00:17:12,632
just so you can have sex
with her.

419
00:17:17,604 --> 00:17:20,373
Isn't he something?

420
00:17:20,440 --> 00:17:21,208
Yeah.

421
00:17:21,274 --> 00:17:23,610
Um, well, it was
nice meeting you.

422
00:17:25,745 --> 00:17:26,679
Bye-bye.

423
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:31,718
What?

424
00:17:31,784 --> 00:17:33,120
Are you happy?

425
00:17:35,888 --> 00:17:38,057
Pretty much. You?

426
00:17:45,798 --> 00:17:47,334
Oy.

427
00:17:57,544 --> 00:18:00,747
( groans ):
Agh. Agh. Agh. Agh.

428
00:18:06,018 --> 00:18:08,788
Hello.

429
00:18:14,127 --> 00:18:16,095
"Controlled substance.

430
00:18:16,163 --> 00:18:21,000
Do not exceed one pill
every six hours."

431
00:18:21,067 --> 00:18:22,602
Yeah, right.

432
00:18:26,339 --> 00:18:27,607
( groans )

433
00:18:27,674 --> 00:18:32,111
Oh, what fresh
child-proof hell is this?

434
00:18:35,047 --> 00:18:37,217
Come on, you bastard.

435
00:18:42,922 --> 00:18:44,157
Yes!

436
00:18:50,230 --> 00:18:52,165
Ow.

437
00:18:53,099 --> 00:18:54,334
What are we doing?

438
00:18:54,401 --> 00:18:56,336
I'm taking you
back to your mother.

439
00:18:56,403 --> 00:18:58,037
( doorbell rings )

440
00:18:58,104 --> 00:18:59,372
Why?

441
00:18:59,439 --> 00:19:02,242
Why?
I'll tell you why.

442
00:19:02,309 --> 00:19:04,777
Because you're no fun anymore.

443
00:19:04,844 --> 00:19:07,280
Because the whole
"isn't he cute" thing is over.

444
00:19:07,347 --> 00:19:08,281
And I'll tell you
something else:

445
00:19:08,348 --> 00:19:09,416
if this is a prelude

446
00:19:09,482 --> 00:19:10,683
to what you're gonna
be like as a teenager,

447
00:19:10,750 --> 00:19:13,253
then we've got
a serious problem.

448
00:19:13,320 --> 00:19:14,421
Whatever.

449
00:19:15,322 --> 00:19:16,656
You see? You see, right there!

450
00:19:16,723 --> 00:19:19,091
That attitude does not
fly with me.

451
00:19:19,158 --> 00:19:20,393
Whatever.

452
00:19:26,433 --> 00:19:28,435
God, I hope that's the chicken.

453
00:19:29,502 --> 00:19:31,638
( doorbell rings )

454
00:19:33,506 --> 00:19:35,375
She's not home. Ha-ha.

455
00:19:36,476 --> 00:19:38,711
Do not "ha-ha" me.

456
00:19:38,778 --> 00:19:40,613
Never "ha-ha" me.

457
00:19:40,680 --> 00:19:42,249
( knocking loudly )
Judith!

458
00:19:42,315 --> 00:19:44,284
Come get your kid!

459
00:19:44,351 --> 00:19:45,852
( banging )

460
00:19:45,918 --> 00:19:48,187
Don't hide
behind the couch!

461
00:19:48,255 --> 00:19:49,689
I can see you, Judith!

462
00:19:49,756 --> 00:19:52,592
( banging )

463
00:19:52,659 --> 00:19:53,493
Ha-ha.

464
00:19:58,565 --> 00:19:59,532
Uh-oh.

465
00:20:01,768 --> 00:20:04,471
* Men

466
00:20:08,241 --> 00:20:10,343
Hey, how 'bout
some ice cream?

467
00:20:11,311 --> 00:20:13,346
Sure.

468
00:20:13,413 --> 00:20:15,915
Listen, I'm sorry
I lost my temper.

469
00:20:15,982 --> 00:20:20,119
I'm sorry you slipped
in dog crap chasing me.

470
00:20:20,186 --> 00:20:23,290
Thank you.

471
00:20:23,356 --> 00:20:25,392
Now, you know
that I love you,

472
00:20:25,458 --> 00:20:29,095
but we've gotta be clear
on a couple of things.

473
00:20:29,161 --> 00:20:30,897
I get that
you're growing up,

474
00:20:30,963 --> 00:20:31,964
that your body's
changing,

475
00:20:32,031 --> 00:20:33,433
that your emotions
are in flux.

476
00:20:33,500 --> 00:20:35,968
But the important thing
you need to keep in mind

477
00:20:36,035 --> 00:20:40,740
is that I don't care.

478
00:20:40,807 --> 00:20:43,510
When you're in my house,
when you're out with me

479
00:20:43,576 --> 00:20:45,678
and especially
when we're around women,

480
00:20:45,745 --> 00:20:48,615
you will be adorable.
Got it?

481
00:20:48,681 --> 00:20:50,917
Shh, I'm trying to concentrate.

482
00:20:50,983 --> 00:20:52,685
Don't shush me.

483
00:20:52,752 --> 00:20:54,721
Never shush me.

484
00:20:54,787 --> 00:20:55,922
Whatever.

485
00:21:02,362 --> 00:21:04,331
Please be the chicken.

486
00:21:09,402 --> 00:21:13,740
Pour me one of those, will ya?

487
00:21:13,806 --> 00:21:16,042
You know, mixing those pills
with alcohol

488
00:21:16,108 --> 00:21:18,077
is a really bad idea.

489
00:21:18,144 --> 00:21:22,415
Not if you're trying to die.

490
00:21:28,388 --> 00:21:31,023
Hey, how many of those pills
you got left?